Figuring Out Life While Aging
Crossposted – https://joanvinallcox.substack.com/p/moving-through-liminal-time
Standing on a threshold
with the past pulling away,
while facing a dark
pathless space
is daunting.
Can I hope
the pathway
I was trying to shape
will find my heart
if I close my eyes and trust?
Cross-posted at https://joanvinallcox.substack.com/p/ragged-grace
The time of ragged
grace - for some -
is ending
and like a tired two year old
I sob “No, no,NO!”
to the bullies
drunk on power.
I have been, and am
complicit,
seeking my small
power
to wrap myself
in imagined
safety.
This is a koan
I will not dance to,
but stumble through,
seeking …
joining others
I have pitied.
I don’t want to write this poem.
Cross- posted at https://joanvinallcox.substack.com/p/liminal-time?r=oj9j7
Liminal Time
Sunshine blurs ghosts,
makes them translucent.
In the dark, they solidify.
Hiding in closets and corners,
they thicken with memories
wisping out from lost letters.
I am waiting
for their approval,
their retreat, their acceptance.
I’m relatively sane
in my own crazy way.
I’m hiding in my house
while I want to run and play.
I’m waiting for my tears
that are blocked behind my eyes,
I’m waiting for an answer
and hope I’m growing wise.
Cross-posted – https://joanvinallcox.substack.com/p/untitled
I am an amalgam of
everyone I’ve loved.
They cluster in my heart;
different moments different ones
slip behind my eyes
and let me be
their gifts.
I am a part of
all I have known -
the space and time I am
dancing through - - I sing
my blind sightings out
into others’ hands and hopes - -
my gift.
When feeling is perilous
I retreat into the safety
of eyeing words that dance
me into a happy ending.
When the numbness
is in danger of cracking
I turn to other worlds
where anxiety is guaranteed an ending.
When confusion and fear
overwhelm my closed eyes
and I’m enveloped in my own uncertain story,
I reach into hope and try to open my heart.
“Take care of yourself” they said
But I didn’t know how
to be
that selfish.
“Like on a plane with a dependant” they said
“And the oxygen masks drop down,
put yours on first;
that’s being responsible.”
Alone by the summer lake
There’s a breeze.
In the dark of night
the pine boughs
thresh
and sway.
Bare maple branches rest
against the light scrimmed
sky.
In the grey of morning
the silent streets
stride
down
to the lake’s
rhythmic rumble
and the sun’s path.
What matters most, after food and shelter,
is love: presence, listening, and being heard.
Family celebrations, holidays and anniversaries,
offer joy and, sometimes, the most exquisite
pain
with loss: death, estrangement, abandonment.
We humans flee pain and seek joy, hungry
even for artificial joy, artificial solace that
we eat, drink, and smoke.
The paradise of family and friends gathering
warms us, gives us joy, teaches us
our need for the richness of loving.
In the darkness of absence, in our aloneness,
we humans twist and turn
reluctantly facing the opportunity of recognizing
what we had, what we need, what we can seek:
the delight of trusted ones and hugging,
the warmth of knowing ourselves as human.
I walk my sorrow
on familiar streets
I am leaving.
My body morphs;
soul changes stretch me,
shaking me out of my shell.
Strange energies arise;
suddenly I find myself
reaching forward.
Time spirals as I approach
leaving,
both releasing and opening.
Learning Living 