I wrote this piece the last day of my seventh decade, and on my following birthday. 

Tomorrow I will be 80. This is the first time I find myself approaching a birthday, even a decade birthday, with a kind of trepidation: the odds are that I won’t reach my next decade birthday. I might, but I quite possibly won’t. It’s hard to take in, but I want to live with the awareness that I am mortal, that I will die.. I want to feel my time left. I want to contribute, I don’t know exactly what, what I can, even in a limited way. I want to receive and create; joy comes from that, and I’m greedy for love and joy in the time I have left. 

I certainly didn’t think of 70 as the beginning of a final decade for my husband or for me, but it was for him. I’m so glad we had a party for his 70ᵗʰ, as he wanted. When he offered me one for my 70th, I refused it. I find, now, for this birthday, I’m happy for recognition on the excuse of having a “significant” birthday. I’m glad to be seen now. I’m grateful to have a daughter, friends, and many happy (or learning) memories as I go forward. 

On this the final day of my Seventh Decade, It’s cloudy and cold. The geese are honking and only the evergreens show colour amongst the bare trees. Looking back I see I was born at an advantageous time in a peaceful land with much to enjoy and be grateful for. Even the wounds i endured were opportunities to learn. Now, blanketed by my choices, I ease towards the time I’ll no longer be.

I see the streams of car lights and the Christmas lights on the houses and in the park. I am finding my birthday eve not very happy despite emails from friends. My arm and shoulder ache. I’m missing my husband and sad.

---

When I turned 80, on my actual birthday, I  ended up enjoying myself. The weather was bright, and I felt more positive. While I was getting my breakfast, my daughter danced out of her bedroom playing the Beatles and singing along to “Today it’s your birthday!” She gave me 2 cards, one a joke and the other sweet, plus a gift. I also got lots of greetings, some because she posted my birthday and age on Facebook. And a new friend gave me some champagne.

Once again, I learned that feelings shift, that life is constant change. I am 80, and still learning how to live.