Tag: life

On Turning 80

~ joanvinallcox ~ 2 Comments
I wrote this piece the last day of my seventh decade, and on my following birthday. 

Tomorrow I will be 80. This is the first time I find myself approaching a birthday, even a decade birthday, with a kind of trepidation: the odds are that I won’t reach my next decade birthday. I might, but I quite possibly won’t. It’s hard to take in, but I want to live with the awareness that I am mortal, that I will die.. I want to feel my time left. I want to contribute, I don’t know exactly what, what I can, even in a limited way. I want to receive and create; joy comes from that, and I’m greedy for love and joy in the time I have left. 

I certainly didn’t think of 70 as the beginning of a final decade for my husband or for me, but it was for him. I’m so glad we had a party for his 70ᵗʰ, as he wanted. When he offered me one for my 70th, I refused it. I find, now, for this birthday, I’m happy for recognition on the excuse of having a “significant” birthday. I’m glad to be seen now. I’m grateful to have a daughter, friends, and many happy (or learning) memories as I go forward. 

On this the final day of my Seventh Decade, It’s cloudy and cold. The geese are honking and only the evergreens show colour amongst the bare trees. Looking back I see I was born at an advantageous time in a peaceful land with much to enjoy and be grateful for. Even the wounds i endured were opportunities to learn. Now, blanketed by my choices, I ease towards the time I’ll no longer be.

I see the streams of car lights and the Christmas lights on the houses and in the park. I am finding my birthday eve not very happy despite emails from friends. My arm and shoulder ache. I’m missing my husband and sad.

When I turned 80, on my actual birthday, I  ended up enjoying myself. The weather was bright, and I felt more positive. While I was getting my breakfast, my daughter danced out of her bedroom playing the Beatles and singing along to “Today it’s your birthday!” She gave me 2 cards, one a joke and the other sweet, plus a gift. I also got lots of greetings, some because she posted my birthday and age on Facebook. And a new friend gave me some champagne.

Once again, I learned that feelings shift, that life is constant change. I am 80, and still learning how to live.

Thoughts From Aging

~ joanvinallcox ~ Leave a comment

Cross-posted – https://joanvinallcox.substack.com/p/thoughts-from-aging

I look in the mirror and see evidence of aging, and wonder: what does it mean, being old? I ate in a sort of trendy restaurant yesterday, and saw people in a range of ages, more younger ones than I’m used to encountering. I think I live in, exist in, a kind of seniors’ ghetto. The building I’m in is largely seniors. The church I attend is a delight because, although the majority by far are seniors, there are some younger and even some children. I don’t know them, but I get to see them, sometimes overhear them. My daughter lives far from me, and there are no grandchildren. So I have little familial contact with the generations following mine. I wonder who am I now, old, single, Middle Class comfortable and, as I never understood when my old father talked about it, looking for a purpose?

I feel the pull to be positive. And I have been, am, very lucky, “blessed” as my father would insist. I have been having a life full of gifts, finding paths through my days that fit me, that have brought me pleasures and joy as well as comforts. I have had trials, but with enough support so that I could endure and learn from them. I have had a life companion, and the wonder of not being alone for most of my time alive. There are people I love who return my love, and help me grow, and by “grow” I mean learn to be able to let go of most bitterness and find or create some meaning from upset, pain, and confusions. And perhaps writing this, naming my current feelings and reminding myself of my path getting here, implicitly promises that I will find or make some return gifts to the world, implicitly promises a future purpose while teaching me (AGAIN!) patience.

Soul Mapping

~ joanvinallcox ~ Leave a comment
clouds, lake, light, dark,rosy at the horizon,

There rises from deep within me,
before thought, shaping feeling,
choices, sometimes words —
heart and gut desires

Sometimes I listen,
sometimes I hear,
sometimes I close my eyes
and plunge another way. 

The crest of a thought 
wakes me, warns me,
pulls me back onto the path
and towards the shape of my life.

“I Am”

~ joanvinallcox ~ 2 Comments
Eye, glasses, hair

Remnants of other lives
invade, infest, infuse my life,
enlighten me, cling to me. 
drag me down, lift me up,
surround me. 

I persist 
pushing the furniture 
of my past,
clearing space
so I can see.